I remember a year after my father died my husband at the time, asked if he could throw away an empty figurine candy container he knew my father brought from the hospital while waiting for the reveal of my first child in the maternity ward. “I glanced at it as I was focused on my spring cleaning goals and nodded “yes.” I didn’t feel emotional but when you’re “doing mindless work” your mind is free to open up and I guess (I can’t remember the exact details) I must have looked at my daughter and then went to add to the trash and upon seeing it… I just lost it. I felt bad for what shame he must have felt, it wasn’t the action or anything he had done, it was the hurt of letting go and I had no energy to offer my husband solace in the middle of my grief breakdown. I’m grateful for this grief lesson because it helped me to become soft when others are ripe and I no longer judge them on having no faith or strength or resolve they just loved greatly and true love is deep.
We all carry grief and sorrow and its important to let it out and be vulnerable to our wounds and gaping holes. When we look at them can we offer a salve and/or fill them up with their memories and even beyond the grave experiences, not to mention allowing other worthy beings into our hearts to connect and carry on our journeys.
Before that spring cleaning day (how appropriate) I would question the grief people carried a decade later as true or wanting somebody to feel sorry for them. I know it sounds harsh but “we’re all growing” not “all-knowing beings.” I specifically only doubted those (latino roots) who lost family so long ago and still produced tears and sadness when we’re supposed to celebrate them as never forgotten or lost. I finally have awoken to compassion after the death of my father and 9/11 following soon after.
10 YEARS LATER . . .
George, that same reader I wrote about a couple of years ago, looked over my card spread after asking about my father and learning he died after my daughter was born “why haven’t you mourned him? he asked. “I didn’t have to,” I responded with arrogance. He just looked at me “But you went from A to C without B?” he matched my tone and I understood he just wanted to know “why.” He wasn’t doubting me like I had with relatives and I responded: “because he came to me.” He didn’t change his expression when he asked me “what did he say to you?” I thought for a split second of sharing how I saw him in his transitioning state in my dream 3 days after he died, but instead I replied “he said lot’s of things.”
I write blogs now because I feel it’s important to share the expanding ways the universe shares with us examples of who we really are. I don’t share these intimate moments because they are designed for my current awareness and most importantly it will connect to soul growth I will be receiving in the future to solidify further belief. If I were to share how he looked you would expect the same from your deceased loved ones, or worse you would think you just imagined it because you read it somewhere. Let me assure you, your soul will shout in joy in acknowledgment.
June 30, 2018, Lady Widow Dream
I dream of a gorgeous old woman who was well off on her own. I knew she was my neighbor a short distance away from me, but apparently she knew me well as you know in dreams things that don’t make sense fact wise awake, are easily “already known” in dreams. I see myself running to her sunny seaside home feeling anxious to see her. I knock but she doesn’t answer so I open the door she’s frozen in fear her eyes are bugging out she’s pointing to nothing near her and trying to speak. I repeat my name several times before she comes out of shock but I see in her room 4 men sitting in her bed in a row. I thought it was odd as they were fully dressed in suits taking up the whole bed and her house was big and well furnished. “Do you see them?” I ask her. I think I gave her relief to believe what made her scared was not her own mortality ending or senile kicking in because she released her body “you can see them?” she asked with relief. I nodded “Yeah 4 men on the bed” and the men waved hello to us. “Those are my past loves and husbands,” she said excitedly as she gushed over her lovely introductions of each one to me. Suddenly lot’s of people were at the door coming in and the lovely lady spotted the old-timer baby carriage/casket in the living room “they’re paying their respects.” She let everyone in graciously and now hosted the past coming to the living to pay their respects to her. I suspect her goodwill from the past turned grief into peace.
July 1, 2018
I had been motivated to clean the patio earlier to light the candles outside so I would enjoy and take my computer out of my room and into the living room. In doing so I noticed my father’s picture to my right and go to light his candles I’ve ignored. My kids come from their Dad’s to stay with me and I tell them I feel like watching the movie Coco the one they wanted me to watch with them but hadn’t yet. We all gather and I start to freak out when I see that the boy is visiting the afterworld. “Wait, wait, wait!” I stammer “pause it and let me read my dream of the widow it’s like the same storyline!” I look at the candles and my Dad smiling in his photo. My sister sends me a text not too long after of a nail polish named after my nickname and I ask her when’s Dad’s bday? Of course, she answers “today.”
This blog was in drafts and I have been so busy with extra projects I had no time to share this experience until now. I have to get back to work but I’ve had a slew of other crazy inspiring but true encounters with the universe and I hope you are too!