So, I did it!

Well sure, I’m not exactly living up to Jason’s other perfect song: You fucking did it!

Rather, I did leap out of my comfort level and quit my job of almost 15 years without a landing point.  I know the economy is unstable, the job report is unfavorable, and it’s not like I had squirreled away nuts to cover major responsibilities, resulting in possible consequences to our shelter.  Sure, it may not be considered brave to some (ask my mother) but it sounds disastrous.  We’ve learned from stories that a warrior usually leaves the family behind on a quest in hopes of making things better for their family and or village.  They then leave that burden to those left behind. This is where the chink in the armor starts to lose its strong appeal in false security and we get what a true risk the journey is.

It’s taken me a long time to recognize that feeling of when my soul is already packed and waiting in the cab confounded at how long it takes me to shut off the lights and lock the door so we can get moving!

That feeling I’ve consoled with the promise I’d commit to leaving when my youngest son graduates, it was wonderous last year for him and I. The last day they called me up on stage I was already sobbing because my son sang a solo part “I hope you had the time of your life” (I did) he pointed at me, and I lost it. Students of all ages and genders stood in line to hug me, holding me; asking me to stay a little longer it was gut-wrenching. The best students -we have amazing kids on this planet, and they offer so much hope.  The reality of the situation did not make it a hard choice I knew financially my head was bleeding from banging the low glass ceiling there and much more, but I feel like I sold the family home I truly adored. The people I left behind are wonderful, caring, and supportive parents, amazing students, and easy colleagues who will be hard to replace to that level unless it starts with me holding a space for this and creating it. I was open about the struggle to stay or go with my colleagues and one parent friends called me over to ask if I would take the plunge because she wanted my job. It would enable her and her two kids to stay in the school, or they would have to move out of state. Although I didn’t let this pressure me, and at first, it bothered me (Hello! Nice for you! It’s hard to leave these people and security without another job to jump to), when I let my ego finish dumping, I put myself in her shoes and acknowledged she’s just a loving mother doing what she can for her kids and her friends supporting her.  I did feel like it would help two students stay, and that’s what transpired, and to me, that’s trust I’m putting in the divine to get me to move out and move on; I would be okay; we all would!  Miraculously, I was offered a severance as I made sure the school had a good person in place, they in return, took care of me.  A lovely pool of parents chipped in to gift me some emergency cash, and I can’t say how much that made me feel supported and loved, as well as all the cards and flowers -I was wholly emotionally overwhelmed.   Is that luck, good karma, or the divine giving me an oxygen mask while I’m in flight.

I woke up yesterday morning fighting the doubts in a dream: “Did I choose wrong?” It was my ego penetrating my subconscious to a duel.

My choice was on the witness stand, and I could hear my thoughts pleading: “It was the right choice, no retirement, no holidays, no time to write…and I pulled out of the light sleep into a sunny-filled room.  I pushed those doubts away, and that door is now closed. There is no point in pining (but I wrote down all the things that were difficult then but suddenly easily glossed over when we long for yesterday as we face fears).

Releasing

A week before graduation, I was running on empty trying to tie up loose ends at work while collaborating with all the senior moms to hold a graduation party when one of the mom’s Alyssa, asked if she could practice crystal bowl therapy on me for her certification.  I was glad to help her and I warned her I was so overwhelmed that I’d probably fall asleep, and she was cool with that.  As she started the crystal bowls, I didn’t do what I normally like to do and balance my chakras with the sounds as I was physically and mentally from all the feels going on. I was separating from my old life, and my last baby is now considered an adult, going after college and career.  I repeated in my head “Release me from anything or anyone that holds me back,” I added my ancestor karmic ties, things that don’t serve me, fear, release me, release me.”  SLAM! I heard the door slam shut by the breeze. My body flinched slightly, and I almost opened my eyes but smiled, thinking ‘that’s symbolic!” I listened to her rain stick and words and I saw colors I usually don’t get without meditating, and strange things like orange swirl clouds with scribbles.  Picture a black chalkboard with an orange cloud drawn on it and filled in, yet black scribbles appeared through it, and then it vanished.  I saw a fox and coyote peek out of yellow and green hues. Crazy enough, a salmon facing me (it was so strange I didn’t want to use my logical mind, I just watched and noted but did not try to decipher the meaning only acknowledge a word to remember fox (sly) coyote (trickster) salmon (?), lioness (fierce),  dog (protection) funny he’s so happy like come on and play- and I just let my mind go.

So, how do you feel she asked? She was supposed to journal her experience as well as mine.

“Uh, strangely, I feel stronger, and I don’t know how that’s possible as I came in exhausted.” She was pleased, as so was I. I told her, “You know I was asking for release, and when the door slammed shut.” She interrupted, “I’m so sorry about that. I can’t believe my mom came up the back door! She never does!” (her parents own the condo next door) I nodded. Yeah “I remember you said, don’t worry about the back door; nobody ever comes up that way.  I figured it was the window, and to me it was symbolic of what I was asking for release and shut the door forever!” we laughed. She tells me she was emotional and started to cry for me (we were coworkers, so she knew what I was feeling literally in leaving something you cultivated in love for so long).   I asked her, “did you see her come in I didn’t hear her?”  She looked puzzled. “no.” We both got up to see the door, and her being closest to the door twirled around aghast. “THE DOOR IS LOCKED!”  I thought so. “You told me not to worry about being disturbed, and I didn’t feel a breeze either; maybe the window?” I looked at the window and it was locked, too. The whole condo was locked up and we heard it slam shut in the room! I haven’t asked her for the transcript to include in here, but when I get it, I will add it (I know other animals came in).

Conclusion: The scribbles baffled me, but maybe it’s my writing coming out of the dust Orange is the right chakra for creativity! The trickster energy can either be a warning or my totem guide to help me evade trouble or for my survival skill set. The salmon face was wild! Alyssa said it was a sign to leave CA and move to Seattle. I thought it was key, that I saw it head towards my face – I did not see its body, so it was going upstream, and maybe I would have to do the same against the flow, and it’s an abundant sign. The dog was jumping up and down like come on let’s play, follow me.  A black Boston terrier or those fancy French bulldogs. In any case, it was ready to go (hmm the fool card).  Now, the lioness was so unexpected she’s fierce, so I was intimidated to see her clearly show herself. The lioness embodies the female strength of a mother, you don’t mess with an ultimate protector. I think that’s why I left stronger than when I arrived.

Is this a layover or final destination?

On my last day of work, a close friend/parent offered me a shot at a position at her/husband company, she was so excited that someone gave their notice, and they need someone fast!  I would have to test and interview (eww), and her team and lead guy would all decide, but she was confident I was the best candidate. I also received another offer from a fantastic family with which I would love to work with, but it deals with heavy financials. This gave me confidence. I did the interview and test (grueling), but the same friend, Alyssa, who gave me the singing bowls experience, sent me a job posting that sounded awesome! How do I tell my friend who wants me to work for them that I’d like to pursue this and was that wise? I ended up calling her and telling her not to vie for me and offer the position to the right candidate, but she hesitated (I love this woman. she is a true dearest friend of mine, and I knew she’d get involved to get me hired at any cost). WELL! They ended up going with the lady who was more experienced and again I battled with “did I screw up again?”  No, I want the right fit as much as a safe landing.  I want to be excited and get into my new chapter with passion and determination (I did feel that with her job offer, but something held me back-something said no inside me) that’s what’s keeping me on fire. My mom says I’m walking my talk, and I am.  I believe something will come forward, much like that job posting Alyssa shared with me (sadly, I didn’t win an interview) that will get me excited and help me attain the security I deserve.  I have learned that work-life balance is a serious need! I want to have time to write, and I’m going to get back in the cockpit for this portion of my journey and take control of my keyboard for getaways!

I received a call from her husband TODAY as I write this, telling me I was a true contender, and the other lady had more experience in their field, but I held my own in the test, and the crew liked me more. They just needed to get someone trained asap, and she had this in her toolbox. He said, “You should know how well you did, sorry It took me weeks to let you know!” How sweet is that! I’ll take that confidence to the next interview he did not have to call me I had already spoken to his subordinate and accepted the decision. The timing as I write this dripped in synchronicity, I LOVE THAT!

Fright In-Flight?

I am not freaking out YET! Maybe when rent is due As for now I’m just surveying my possibilities and I’m passionate on writing that book that’s been dusty on my old computer drafts (what is that password to get in lol).  This is big for me; I am a triple earth sign I NEED to feel safe and in good order.  Am I mastering TRUST?  I’d say, I’m getting closer!  The divine is present. My daughter just graduated college, and she can’t drive. Her shoulders have been a wreck for eight years. I used all my FSA money last month to see if I can get her therapy without another MRI (we tried other doctors and no healing) and I came across this lady who treats hyper mobility, and OMG what a difference she has made. I told her this is the last appointment I can pay for and when I get a job, I’ll bring her back. She told me “No’ she can’t undo our progress we have made, let her continue and we will worry about billing when you get your job!”  Do you want to write a contract? I asked, no, I believe in Karma, she tells me!

HOLY MOTHER FULL OF GRACE thank you!

one last sweet synchronicity: I started writing this blog on the 14th with my title already in place. After that “doubting dream,” I decided to see what CA Brooks wrote on Astrology to see if a planet was pulling our sensitivity. How encouraging is this I hope I encouraged you too!